I, MoonBatâ„¢, superhero, have been quite busy dealing with the Federal Life-sucking Tax (which was due on the 17th of April this year) and then having to work. I mean, this superheroing stuff is expensive. Now let me say that on this Mother’s Day, I have no desire to have seen my parents gunned down in cold blood on the mean streets of a major, American metropolitan center—even if it would have left me with enough money to be worrying about the Death Taxâ„¢. But would it have killed mom to have gotten on a ladder that tipped over, or to have gotten some Mickey D’s coffee spilled on her? While I agree that we need a lot of tort reform in this country, we could reform it after I get an operating budget.
And, yes, I know there are easier ways to get money, but I’m not dating Paul Wolfowitz for even all the money Bill Gates has.
But things have slowed down at the Suds ‘n’ Duds now that the students are all going off on summer vacation, which means I don’t have to be cleaning DNA evidence out of lint traps. This has given me time to catch up on the news, and three glaring things have stood out. Well, three men, but united by one thing: all three are pretending to be Republicans in their bid for the Presidency.
I’ll start with Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas. Friday, May 11th, the Senator is in Wisconsin to drum up support for his campaign. Like many politicians, he sought to explain a complex problem and instead of opting for the True Conservativeâ„¢ analogy—a Bible story that’s on point—he went with the next best thing: a sports analogy. It’s a wise choice. It show’s he’s a man of the people. He’s the kind of guy who would sit with you in the stands, drink a beer, paint his belly green-and-gold, shave the number 4 into his head and cheer himself hoarse. He’s in Wisconsin, home of the Packers.
So the Senator concludes his football analogy by saying,
If you don’t have a line, how many passes can Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history.
Okay, that remark, in Wisconsin, home of Brett Farve, who is the greatest quarterback ever to have played the game, was incredibly stupid. But then he went on to say:
I’m not sure how I recover from this.
Let me see. First, you’re the Senator from Kansas—the state were a town got leveled by tornadoes flatter than if Godzilla and his friends had held a dance-a-thon there. What in the name of the Lord are you even doing in Wisconsin? How do you recover from this? You get your silly, faux-Conservative bottom back to Kansas and you start gathering up kindling. Then you use that kindling to light a fire under the butts of your pals in the Senate and the White House to make sure Kansas isn’t The Gulf Coast North!
As bad as that was, Wisconsin’s former Governor, Tommy Thompson is even worse. You’ll recall that he made a major gaffe recently. Liberals would have you think I mean his remark about “hard work” being “part of the Jewish tradition.” Nope, not that. Or they’ll have you think I mean when, in the Republican debate, he said that he thought it should be okay for employers who find homosexuality immoral to fire employees for that reason. Nope, not that either. Then, you ask, which gaffe is it to which I refer?
It’s his descent into the blame game. Immediately after the debate he retracted his comment, citing a failing battery in a hearing aid that rendered him unable to clearly hear the question. More recently he’s added that he’d been sick earlier in the week, including a trip to the ER, so he was suffering from a cold and the flu during the debate, and “I could not wait until the debate got off so I could go to the bathroom.”
So what Tommy is saying here—if you listen with a Liberal ear—is “I’m a feeble, deaf old man who can’t kick a flu and needs to be wearing Dependsâ„¢. On top of that, you should make me President because even if I don’t hear what you’re asking, I’ll still give you an answer which, after I think on it, I’ll realize is offensive and I’ll apologize. Moreover, I have neither the intelligence to realize when my hearing aids are on the fritz, nor the wherewithall to hire staffers smart enough to do a pitstop and sound-check before I step into a battle for my political life.”
I mean, if that doesn’t scream, “I’m a Demoncrat,” I don’t know what does.
But worst of all is America’s Mayorâ„¢, which I can say, as opposed to Rudy Guilianiâ„¢, which I guess he’s trademarked so you can’t say bad things about him. And Rudy has kind of made sure that anything you say about him could be construed as bad, since he’s pretty much come down on all sides of any issue, so even statements supporting him could be seen as bad in some circles. About the only circle where disparaging remarks would be seen as good would be the circle of his ex-wives and children—which constitutes a surprisingly large constituency these days.
Now Rudy has made some mistakes in his career. I, MoonBatâ„¢ (two can play that game, Mr. Rudyâ„¢), superhero; do find it curious that he’s running on his great expertise as an anti-terrorism expert. Face it, he was mayor at the time of the first World Trade Center bombing. What’s his answer to terrorism? To put his anti-terrorism headquarters in the World Trade Center. Seems that’s like slapping a “Kick me,” sign on your own back, then wondering why someone stuffs size 12 Brogans up your butt.
But Rudy and his staff really outdid themselves in Iowa. Back in the tail end of April—according to the Anamosa Journal-Eureka—Rudy’s staffers called Deb and Jerry VonSprecken of Olin, Iowa and asked them to host a campaign rally on May 4th. The couple, who own and run a modest 80 acre farm, felt honored and agreed. They began planning and inviting people for the shindig. School was going to let out early; the Sheriff’s Department and the Fire Department were all lined up to help.
Having America’s Mayorâ„¢ visit was going to be a big deal.
Then, on May 1st, the campaign called and wanted to know about the family’s assets. They wanted to know their net worth. The VonSpreckens complied and a short while later, Tony Delgado, from the Des Moines office, called and told them “I’m sorry, you aren’t worth a million dollars and he is campaigning on the Death Tax right now.” Delgado canceled the visit and the VonSpreckens were crushed—pretty much now experiencing the “Donna Hanover Syndrome,” as it’s called.
But wait, there’s more. In move that smacks of the Demoncratic tendancy to use circular firing-squads, yet later that day the campaign calls Deb VonSprecken and asked her to introduce Rudy at an event in Cedar Rapids! And a Guiliani campaign spokesperson, Maria Comella, issued the following statement:
“We’re glad to have Debby and Jerry’s support and are thankful for all their hard work on the campaign. We’re looking forward to our visit to Iowa on Friday and having the opportunity to share Mayor giuliani’s message of fiscal discipline.”
Fiscal Discipline? Rudy’s doing exactly what tax-and-spend Liberals do: make others pay for things you don’t need. In this case it’s some nice folks who run a family farm, the backbone of this nation. If not for the VonSpreckens of the world, we’d not have the gallon of milk that Rudy doesn’t know the price of.
But this, of course, is not the most grossly stupid thing he did. Rudy didn’t address the problem, so what happens? John McCain, ever the opportunist calls up Deb VonSprecken and apologizes on the behalf of all politicians for America’s Mayorâ„¢. Giving a True Republican—or whatever it is that John McCain is—a chance to steal a march for your mistake is all but patented by the Demoncrat party!
Aside from putting the Rude in Rudy, Rudy is pointing out that his Presidential style is going to be one of arrogantly rolling over the folks he needs, letting others sheer him off his base, then standing amid the rubble of the whole mess and declaring that he’ll fix it. He might as well change his name to Franklin Delano Guilianiâ„¢ and be done with the whole charade.
Of course, we know what this means: somewhere, probably in a secret laboratory in New Hampshire, some evil genius—funded by George Soros, no doubt—has Thompson, Brownback, Guiliani and others on ice, and has put up these pod-people in their places. It’s a plot, no doubt about it. These people can’t be for real.
